"Maybe It's Crap."

My gripe today is make-up.  (yes men, you may skip to the next paragraph)  For those of you who know me well, you know I'm not a snobby, have to wear the latest fashion, have to buy the name brand clothes (much to the chagrin of my sister), must have my hair & make-up done perfectly kinda girl.  My favorite outfit is pajamas, closely followed by sweats, closely followed by jeans & a t-shirt (preferably a really sexy t-shirt, but a t-shirt nonetheless).  Ok, so the extent of my snobbiness in the make-up department is that I always buy a couple of things from Clinique - concealer & mascara.  That's it.  And it's been like that for years.  So the other day I'm taking the wand out of my Clinique High Impact mascara and this clump of globby black goo reminds me that my lashes want fresh stuff.  That day, I had to go to Target.  Happening past the make-up aisles, I was lured in by bright lights (just like a moth) and pretty pink tins of lip gloss (none so pretty as the Strawberry Shortcake one you opened so effortlessly for me though, Marvin).  There, I noticed that Maybelline had packaged mascara with cute little dual eyeshadow thingamabobbers (that's what it says on the package anyway) - and I thought to myself - zut alors!  What is this?!  Maybe it's Maybelline!  I bought two, because they were *really really* cheap!!  I've now given the Maybelline mascara the good ol' college try - I've used it 3 mornings - and now I know why I'm a Clinique snob when it comes to mascara.  Maybelline is c-r-a-p.  Let's analyze why:

1) The little brush that you actually apply the mascara with is about as long as my pinky nail, which is to say, it's not that long.  Um - I'd like to paint more than 2 lashes at a time, thank you, I already run late enough as it is w/o spending half my morning making my eyelashes look more "full" and "separated."

2) There is like NO mascara on the brush - I mean, I know there's something in there, but it's some kind of mutant invisible mascara - it kinda stains my lashes without putting anything on them - and then still manages to look a little clumpy.  (true story - someone told me yesterday I had piercing eyes - I thought to myself, is that because they are b-e-a-utiful?  or because a clump of Crapelline flew off and hit the person in the nose?)

3) That jingle they insist on retaining is moronic.  Maybe it's Maybelline.  As opposed to what, ad guys?  A pair of falsies?  Yeah that's attractive in a Tammy Faye kinda way.  Or maybe as opposed to smearing Pennzoil on your eyelashes?  That might do the trick just as well.  Maybe it's Maybelline - but we're not gonna tell you because if it is, it usually looks bad, and that wouldn't really be a good marketing campaign.

Last gripe about mascara.  Have you ever noticed how much more often you sneeze immediately after putting mascara on?  Is that some kind of joke God likes to play on women in the morning?  Or a test-your-patience kinda deal?  God, I have to redo *all* my eye make-up when that happens - it's not really amusing.  (j/k, Lord!) 

(HEY MEN - you can tune back in now, the make-up part is over, and now I'm gonna talk about cop things!  No, girls, not cop *things*, but just a general story that semi-has to do with a cop.  A fake cop.  Well, me.)

So yesterday I had to play a witness for a class at school.  The prof had brought in 2 real live attorneys (ohhhhh, ahhhhhhhh) to direct and cross me - I played the part of a cop.  Everything was fine until the defense attorney started asking me to estimate distances from block to block, and what part of town is this street in, and blah blah blah.  I'm like - umm, dude?  Did anyone fill you in on the little secret that I'M REALLY NOT A COP?!?!  Because when I tried to guess, he'd screw up his face (like this ) and say, "really?  how long have you been on the force again?"  (This is me rolling my eyes )
Then afterwards they were both like - you did a grrrrrrrrreat job!  I said, very snottily, "hmph.  I don't know how long a city block is.  Sorrrrrrry."  And then I threw a clumpy eyelash at him.  Well, not really, but I wanted to.

That was a very long entry, I wasted a lot of time, and now I must read some real estate.  Singin' joooyyyyyyy to the world!

xoxo
~d

p.s. by the way, yesterday i did my very first set of 30 MBE questions - they're the multiple choicers you take on the bar.  and, well, i would not be a lawyer today.  i got 50%.  which i've heard through the grapevine is par for the course - we all had to do them, and that's about the average score.  average = boring.  next week i'm going to get 26% just to stand out from the crowd.